Greece. You couldn’t find a place in Europe with more history and culture. This is the birthplace of the founders of Western Civilisation. Philosophers such as Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. A region of temples and architecture, mathematics and sciences. The Greeks taught the Mediterranean aristocracy; Greeks during the Roman Empire were the crème de la crème of tutors and were the architects of the libraries of Alexandria.
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“Nose, nose, jolly red nose,
And who gave me my jolly red nose?
Cinnamon, ginger, nutmegs and cloves,
And that gave me my jolly red nose!”
Francis Beaumont, ‘Knight of the Burning Pestle’ 1607
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Ancient Aztec Warriors, wielding weapons of obsidian, outfitted in armour of animal skins. Spanish Conquistadores, controlled by kings and queens to capture and colonise Mesoamerican Men in search of gold and glory. Revolutionary’s wrapped in bandoliers of bullets and sun-shading sombreros, seizing sizable haciendas from Henchmen and despicable Dons to protect the proletariat.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, Wenches and Rogues, I am proud to announce the birth of my second born, and my first Man Child; his name is… Archer, and, if I do say so myself, I say, he has the perfect name for the son of a Culinary Barbarian. A strong, regal name. A hunter! A Warrior! A provider! When his foes hear his battle cry, they will flee in fear!
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North Africa, there are fewer places on the planet with more history. It is home to Rome’s greatest rival, The Empire of Carthage. The Empire’s greatest hero Hannibal, the general not the cannibal, marched his army of Phoenician Regular Troops, and European Mercenaries and elephants across the Alps to attack the Latin capital. Sure, it didn’t work well, the Romans eventually defeated them, razed Carthage and salted the earth so that nothing would ever grow again, but I say it just adds more seasoning to their dishes.
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Scotland! A nation where the men are hard and the women are harder. Where the national dress for men is literally a dress, but are immune from being mocked to their face, owing to the large knife worn in their sock below their pleated tartan skirt. No, this is not a nation of hairy netballers, but a country of warriors, of kings and queens vying for power and control of the British Isles. Unfortunately for them, many of these kings and queens lost their heads for their effort.
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Some of the best things in life are the easiest to obtain like, love, laughter, friendship, or the sacking a monastery on Lindisfarne. You don’t have to try too hard to be happy, simply take the easiest route or the path of least resistance and you too can sail home with a swag bag chock full of golden religious relics. While you’re out at sea, why not cast a net and see if you can drag in some dinner to share with some friends on the journey home.
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Nothing gets the heart pumping, the skin flushing, the pupils dilating and rivulets of perspiration beading down a brow quite like my favourite of spices, the chilli. It can liven up any dish; pizza and pasta, soups and salads, curries, casseroles and even cocktails, enhancing the flavours and giving a zing to the senses. We Barbarians understand that chillies are not for everyone’s pallet just as not everyone can grow a beard, or chest hair.
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A shared meal is something every barbarian loves! You’ve just returned home from raiding your neighbours from across the sea and have returned bountiful to replenish your larder with rare game, spices and exotic liquors. Fresh green, red and yellow vegetables, which have stayed crisp in the hull of your longboat, crunchy to the bite and exploding with juiciness. You have oils for cooking the most elegant of dishes with some left over for massaging the swollen belly of your spouse who is carrying your growing man-child; your barbaric legacy.
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You have dinner planned; the table is set, your candles are ready to be lit. You have a lovely surprise for your beautiful and yet, heavily pregnant partner, who has returned home from work wearied by the toil of industry and exhausted by the travail of carrying your still forming man-child in her womb. You tell her to relax and put her feet up and you slip in a DVD of her favourite girly television show.
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