The stockings are strung,
The tree has been trimmed,
In the hope that a jolly
Old friend will drop in.
But the year has been long,
And behaviour was lax.
Now the Krampus has come
For you wielding an Axe!
(The Culinary Barbarian’s book of Bedtime Tales, now, 2015)
Kids are tough to deal with sometimes; they require constant supervision, they have tantrums, they frequently have to be reminded to not do things that will maim or kill them. It can be exhausting teaching them good manners and proper hygiene when all they do is tell you to stick it and roll in mud with their finger up their nose. This is why we grownups invented Santa Claus. You know him; jolly ol’, St Nick who loves to bring presents to good girls and boys. The twelve month good behaviour bond that is forgotten for 11 months of the year.
Well, it seems that there are cultures that have different ideas on how to get children to behave over the holiday period.
Although a kindly, gift giving entity tends to act as the carrot to encourage good behaviour, Germanic parents also tend to scare the bejeepers out of their children by promising them that they will be kidnaped, dismembered and eaten by ferocious monsters. I believe the conversations sometimes go like this:
“Hans, did you eat the last of my strudel?” said Papa. Sheepishly, little Hansy looks over his coal bucket while scrubbing the fireplace,
“Hansy… if you’re lying you’ll have your eyes sucked out by the Krampus and your sister gets your Christmas choo-choo!”
Which goes to show that the Austrio-Bavarian parents might sometimes be arseholes, but at least they get the trains running on time.
So just remember to keep your spirits up this Christmas, or maybe someone else might pay you a visit. What better way to stay festive than with The Culinary Barbarian’s, Chris Cringle’s Krampus Kool-Aid.
1 bottle Maxwell’s Spiced Mead
1 bottle Port
1 litre cranberry juice
2 litres grape juice
1 bottle of sparkling wine
1 ruby red grapefruit
1 lemon, sliced into rings
1 lime, sliced into rings
Frozen cold packs
Ice, to serve
- Pour all of the shiraz, mead, port, and both juices into your punch receptacle.
- Place the cold packs into the punch bowl to keep it cold without diluting the punch.
- Cut the grapefruit in half and squeeze the juice into the punch, and drop the fruit in and toss in a few lemon and lime wedges.
- Fill a wine glass with ice and some lemon and lime slices. Fill 2/3 with punch and top with sparkling wine.
- Try not to be too naughty.